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18th July, 2009

Coming Back: About Derry

So another reason, and arguably the main reason, that this site went away is because of the hideous situation with my stepson Derry. In some ways it's a not so untypical story. But there are elements that are way out-of-the-norm, and the situation can't be understood without understanding that.

When I met Sarah, Derry was going on three years old. Sarah lived with her parents, and relied on them heavily for Derry's care while she worked. Great, of course. That's how families should work, isn't it? Well yes, ideally. But it can be difficult. Perhaps with the best of intentions, the grandparents don't want to let go when things move on for the child's parent. Then there is a crossroads, and one that asks the hardest questions of everyone.

Of course, grandparent/parent fallouts happen all the time, increasingly these days as grandparents are asked to do more childcare for busy parents. Everybody understands that it happens, because childcare is always a complicated, difficult business. The thing is, when you employ a child-carer, you are still in charge. Your child sees that. They know you are their soul guide. But when you ask your parents to care for your children, sure they do it for you, but they do it for themselves too. Soon enough, that comes through, and conflicts of opinion start to spark rows. Sometimes, grandparents will eventually wilfully disregard parents' wishes. When it happens, of course the child sees that their parents are there to be undermined, and so, being chidren, undermine them they will. And grandparents, sadly, may well use this, in full knowledge, to curry favour with the child, and thus impose their will on everybody's lives.

All this notwithstanding the desctruction they're causing. Careless of the damage they're inflicting. Unheeding of the discussions, arguments and pleas made to them. Willfully pursuing their selfishness to its bitter end, and hang the consequences for all.

So look, this is the thing. Derry, a kind, gifted and confident little boy became, before our eyes, before the eyes of his mum, despite all her efforts, an unmanageably spoiled and arrogant child who harboured strangely beligerent intent towards almost the entire world. Very specifically, though, he hated me, and challenged me to fights on a whim. Not literally "fights" - please, I'm not saying he wanted an exchange of fisticuffs. But if he could say no he would. If he could do something he knew would get him in trouble, just so that I'd tell him off, just so that he could say that I was picking on him, he would. But if he could lie about something to "get me in trouble," he would. Several times, he openly told me that I "was for it," with no explanation. His little brother, Callum, was and remains bewildered by the things Derry did and said, and though he dearly loves and sadly misses him, even now he wonders why Derry behaved the way he did.

Well, lots of reasons. He didn't like me. Whatever, that's something I tried to overcome. But it was like climbing the face of a mountain while people were throwing boulders down from the top. The fact is Derry's grandparents totally spoiled him, and ok, we all can say that's what grandparents do. Fine, sure, and that's difficult enough for families to deal with, but it's just one of those things. But I have to tell you, what was going on with Derry was so much more than that.

His grandparents were fierce, relentless and ruthless in their behaviour. They gave him everything he wanted, not without question - but with question. They wanted to know what they could do next to be better in his eyes. To them, the "winning" of Derry was far more important than Derry, something that Sarah, his mum and their own daughter, feared and even fought against long before I came on the scene. When I did arrive, I soon saw their manner, and was truly shocked. Truly shocked - it would be difficult to not be. They openly and aggressively fought with anyone, anyone, of any age or standing, who told Derry no or who in any way stood against him. At primary school they even told him to "stand up to" teachers if they told him off. They lavished him with gifts and attention, deliberately undermined other's efforts with him, would outbuy within 24 hours anything that was given to him by anyone else, and created an aura of busy-ness around him with the soul intention to make it near impossible for others - even his mother Sarah - to have time with him.

Now, maybe they're just being great grandparents, right, and this is all sour grapes or something? Wow, if only it were that cheap. Derry's the only one of their grandchildren to have received this treatment, a fact that the other grandchildren are fully aware of. They also all quickly learned what happened when they stood up to Derry, or even asked for fair treatment from their grandparents. No matter what Derry's behaviour towards them, their complaints were at best dismissed, but more often they'd be humiliated for being "babies" or whatever else might have seemed most cutting. Not surprisingly, almost none of their grandchildren have anything to do with them any more.

The truth is, these people systematically employed every means they knew to manipulate a boy away from the potential of a happy family life so that they had dominion over him. And they have succeeded. Just ask him what he thinks of them - I promise you, you would be surprised.

In the face of all this, we tried to have a family life, but it didn't stand a chance. In the end, Derry ran off to live with his grandparents. His leaving completely over-shadowed everything else in our lives. We were changed, damaged, hurt, bereaved forever. But dark as we thought things were, we were in for a shock for the way things developed.

To our amazement and horror, the behaviour of Derry and his grandparents became increasingly aggressive, with lies and accusations against me, and even Sarah, flying up and out of control until courts and social services were involved in the worst of all possible ways. The more that Sarah tried to find ways of making peace with her family, the more they ripped out her throat and heart. We offered everything we could, including counselling and family therapy sessions at our expense, but they flatly refused everything. In every sense, it was utterly horrific to live through, and ripped us apart, individually, and as a family. We struggled on every possible front, and to say we barely survived is... well. We did.

We did, and perhaps we're beginning to come through. This year Callum and Evelyn both received amazing reports from school. Callum's dyslexia may be challenging him academically, but still he's drawn himself up to roughly level with expected targets for his age - and indeed in two subjects has absolutely excelled (I'll talk about them later). As for Evelyn, well she's very much on top of things academically. But the thing I love most of all is that, in their individual school reports (they go to different schools with different teachers who know nothing of each other), they have both been highly praised for their excellent, confident and caring attitudes. Callum was described as an "absolute star." Evelyn was described as a "wonderfully confident and happy girl." The fact that they're happy means more to me than anything.

In contrast, of course it's a dark and bitter thing to say, but I happen to know that this year Derry's year group has voted him the "biggest bighead." Look, I'm friends with people I consider may be among the best, most liberal educators in the country, and I genuinely challenge any of them, anyone at all, to sit him down and talk through with Derry where things might have gone wrong, and where things might progress to make them better. No matter how long in the tooth they might consider themselves to be, anyone who doesn't raise an eyebrow within 90 seconds genuinely has some magical Zen self control.

And something very relevant might help me illustrate. This website was taken down February 2007 - because if nothing else, we were in legal action, so let's face it, I couldn't be going expressing the truth all over the place. It came back online on the 27th of June, 2009, and by 14th July 2009 this post had been responded to with full Derry vitriole (review the comments). Now, two things strike me about this: 1) how did he know the site was back online? Nobody I know would inform him. Also 2) his words are bizarre, and as mixed up and angry as if things had happened yesterday - why is this now young man, after all this time, still so unready for dialogue? Notice how he capitalises MYERS - why does he still feel so furiously protective of something that was never, ever challenged?

So, taking the site down because of Derry was one thing, but now it's irrelevant. Putting the site back up is about moving on, and getting on with what's happening now, good and bad. The thing is, so much good is happening that's just passing by, and I shouldn't let poisons ruin it any more. And they won't: I'll be posting the good stuff here-on-in!

But finally: Derry, if you're reading this then great, get in touch, let's talk. I'll listen. If you don't want to get in touch with me, then why not your mum, and get to see your sister and brother? I'll stay completely away, so what have you got to lose?

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