16th July, 2009
Coming Back: To Start With, My Family
Cain and Able had nothing on modern families, who eat each other alive simply to preserve the scent of their own shit.
Probably I'd seen too many dramas about the kid who'd fought their way out of "the shit" and made it big, so I'd begun to think that, hey, it was a given that I was going to be rich. See, I was in "the shit", ergo I was destined for majesty.
Enthused, then, I fought bloody hard, with some vigour, and for some time, anticipating said future would be along soon. However, the truth is that I crashed soon after take off and writhed helplessly in futile effort for the years hence.
Ok, with a story like that I can't sell a jabazillion inspirational books on survival or anything, but the shit I was trying to escape was really quite something. I look at the Jacksons and wish I could get close to their family normality.
When you're a kid, family is everything. If it's good you have options. But if it's bad, you're screwed. Forever.
Then, when you're an adult, families fighting to protect secrets and/or fence money are a curdling horror of human society, and on either front those who have been close know that there is no quarter. Play by the family's rules or be cast out: damned, variously vilified, pissed on and mauled without relent or recourse.
Then, justice, honour, and truth are irrelevant. It's an ape rule mentality that will kill, cold and ruthless, and walk away calmly, all to fence some perceived secret, or cash.
And yet, even now, I don't reveal the secrets here on the site - I keep them hidden, despite my incredible desire to have them out in the open. Let's face it, these are my issues, and I want to discuss them, talk about them...
But I don't. At least not yet.
Why? Because I'm thinking of other people. But I have to say this: it's becoming clearer that I'm keeping secrets for people who never, ever had the right to demand, or even expect my silence. I'm realising that I don't owe them a damn thing. Whatever they get from me is on my terms. So we'll see - I'll see.
Show comments (2 so far)
Kris said:
It's ok, hon. You'll be able to speak on your own time, and you don't owe anyone anything. Just know we're here if you need us. I know I'm not the only one that stuck around.
19th July, 2009 at 21:33
Neil said:
Cheers Kris. I\'m so on the cusp of talking things out kind of online... but it\'s a dangerous chasm, for all sorts of reasons. It\'s great to know that there\'s friends I can count on, one way or another, after all. :0)
19th July, 2009 at 22:47
