One of the worst things about having bipolar is the burden and the drain your behaviour can have on those around you, particularly loved ones. Some rare families learn to survive, but statistics reveal that in marriages where one partner has bipolar as many as 90% end in divorce. Since divorce itself is a major cause of emotional distress, even mental illness, you might wonder why people with bipolar would ever bother getting married at all.
Well, first of all, why shouldn’t they? Marriage is such a basic part of human life, how could they not fall in love, get married, raise a family…? Everyone has the right to try, whatever their challenges. Secondly, given that it takes an average of twenty years for a person with bipolar to receive a correct diagnosis, often when they get married they don’t know that they are bipolar. I didn’t – my diagnosis didn’t come until 2002, and I was married in 2000.
And now, I’m going through divorce. My wife and I separated last August, exactly a year ago today. Since then it has been a quagmire of pain for me. Beginning the official, legal divorce proceedings has been a monumental effort, but now, finally, I’ve signed and entered the petition papers. Even from this point, I’m told, the divorce can easily take six months to finalise, even if all runs reasonably smoothly.
But when does divorce ever run smoothly?
Sadly, I guess by our forties many of us have either been through, or certainly know someone who’s been through a partner separation or divorce. When it happens, the individuals from the couple involved, who before have been so robust and healthy, often become fragile, strained, and even a little weird.
Clearly, then, for those who are already struggling with mental illness, divorce is a simply tortuous, even dangerous time. Worse, research has shown that when the breakdown has come about, whether directly or indirectly, due to one person’s mental illness, it’s likely that both parties will be in emotional distress.
Following a diagnosis, the first and most dominant response from a spouse usually is sympathy, says David A. Karp, professor of sociology at Boston College and author of The Burden of Sympathy: How Families Cope with Mental Illness (Oxford University Press, 2002). “But further down the road, a spouse may experience emotions they don’t think they should be having—anger, frustration, and even hate.”
The trouble is that mental illness, by definition, doesn’t stand up to reason, so the spouse quickly feels cornered, as though forced to make a huge leap of acceptance of what they would otherwise find unacceptable. Without help, the anger, resentment and frustration can grow quickly, feed back on the spouse who is ill, who then grows worse, and so on. Before long, everyone’s behaviour is destructive, including that of the well partner, and then, sadly, the marriage is probably doomed.
And so comes separation, and divorce.
As I’ve said, the separation has already been painful for me, and I have no idea what the future holds. Thankfully I’m getting support from friends, my CPN, taking my medication, and attending support groups, but I have worries about my capacity to cope. Worryingly, I know that there is the potential of legal problems when one party in a divorce is experiencing severe mental health difficulties, including being judged not to have the “capacity to give instructions.” If for any reason I can’t legally “give instructions”, what then? And if I can’t properly demonstrate that I am capable, able, and reasonably stable, worst of all, I might even find it difficult to work out proper contact with Evelyn.
But I know that imagining dark bridges ahead is not going to do me any good. If I follow my routines, do the right things, and keep things simple, I can only hope that the right things will, eventually, happen.
In the end, divorce is hard, and, personally speaking, I think it’s right that it should be. For me, marriage is something sacred – I see no conflict that I’m an atheist, and married in a church. I meant my vows. But divorce does happen, and it’s hard for everyone. Luckily, the British NHS comes to the rescue, and we can all draw on its well-meaning, but ultimately patronising wisdom when it tells us all, well or unwell, how to have a healthy divorce.
Tags: bipolar, divorce, family problems
You’re doing all the right things under the circumstances.
Wish there was more I could do to help.
Thanks Ubie. Difficult for me to explain how much you’ve helped me over the years. At least without the use of that white face paint and those props. x.
Divorce is never easy. The legal process itself is straightforward – particularly if the couple are filing for an uncontested divorce – but going through a divorce is a painful process regardless of the circumstances.
I genuinely wish you the best of luck; particularly with your recovery and gaining regular access to your daughter.
Thanks, Divorce Blogger – everything seems very complicated to me, but of course I’m on unfamiliar ground, so I appreciate your calm and expert input.